Losing Control.

Ever since I have moved into my apartment, I feel like I am losing control again over Ana… (I will soon post photos) Living on my own I feel not the the need to eat. Its amazing feeling when I don’t eat.. sometimes. Today I have ate. For dinner I had a half sandwich at Panera Bread. Tiffany and Curtis worry that I don’t eat and its so hard to  since there is no one at the house telling me I should eat or cooking or eating. Beside Chelsea.. I do good when I am with them, but when I am alone food is the farest thing from my mind. I have not talked to anyone about I how I feel… I tried talking to Curtis about it yesterday but didn’t know how to say it. He knows about my ex ED but some how or another she trying to peak back into my life. Like if I say I am going to fast this weekend and if i was alone.. I could so do it.. I know its not something I should do. Just I am starting to lose control and its super hard not to.. I have to be in control of my life but its not looking good.. I am scared that if I I don’t gain control back soon its not going to look pretty. Though I love the feeling of being thin and the feeling that I don’t need to food.. though really for be to be able to live I need to eat.

All I know is Ana is trying to come back I can feel her.. I need to talk to Ervin..

Well I am at Panera Bread waiting on Curtis… He is becoming my everything… he is growing on me… I am falling for him… ( am scared silly of that.) I want to tell him.. I am not in love with him it is too early for that. But I care for him, I love him just not in love.. if that makes sense. It will just take time.. that is if I want it to lead down that way. I will never say it though… I love you are 3 strong words and you have to be strong and so on to be able to say them.. Wow I am rambling on..

Oh honey you are never getting him back

lots of love

Court

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2 Comments

Filed under AnA, Fall 2009

2 responses to “Losing Control.

  1. imaginenamaste

    I’m glad you have your friends in your life!

    This is going to sound crazy, but when it is really hard, sometimes I pretend like my nutritionist or therapist (or even parents or friends) are there reminding me to eat and what to eat and supporting me through the process.

    Hey–congrats yourself on:
    1. Realizing that things are different on your own!
    2. That you did have at least part of your sandwich!

  2. Im going to have to go on a post it spree. You know how I am self conscience about my being a little over weight, and u posted postits saying i was beautiful and to eat whatever I want, well, Im going to come post-it your appartment, telling you the same and also saying have you ate today, whats for breakfast, etc. I think that will be a good idea. Dont let Ana come back. You have had her beat for so long now, you were even considerring yourself better. Just keep thinking in that frame of mind. You have her beat, not the other way around. You are beautiful just the way you are, and you dont need a bag of bones telling you different. She is just jealous of your real beauty. She is someone that nobody wants, and she brings other people to her level because of her jealousy. If you ever need me, day or night, I have already told you to call, but I will tell you again….call!! I love you! Im glad Curtis is there with you on the weekends making sure you are ok, and we will have to start doing Sunday or weekend dinners together. Love you bunches! Miss you too, my house is too quiet now. o, I just realized that the computer saved your login when I clicked on your link, so it will look like I am posting this as you…lol..too funny. I get the computer to completely log youout..=)

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