Know it all’s….

Ok, I post a blog earlier today saying that i was upset, yes I was very upset. The real reason why was bc of the ana. (eating disorder) If you have read my past blogs you know  little on how I feel about the problem and so on. Yes she won today, she was in control today. 

See the reason why I was upset bc Ana was upset with me BC!!! I wasn’t showing her any thanks or letting her in on today, but her fear in me got the better in me. I was down and depressed and it was rainy, and I wasn’t going to eat or do anything I had plan today. Bc she didn’t me to, yes I let her took control today. I had only 400 cals today, if I still let be me I would be jumping up and down, but I don’t want her to be so I am down and was upset. IT WAS HER!!!!!!!!!! not me. I just gave in, so to a point yeah it was my fault.

But my point is…..I am tired of people blaming my faults on other people and taking up for me, saying that I do no wrong that I am right and they are wrong. I dont like it. Because I am tired of letting them do that, I am tired of people butting in when ever they please. But then why do I do this blog?????

answer: to vent to let others know they aren’t alone in this world, to help others and to get better, not to get comments saying its not my fault when I know it is. I am the one who let her in. She didn’t let herself in. I made the choice no once else did. No one told me I had to take Ana in. I did, i am the one who asked her in. But then again, people may have cause her to come into my life. But the one I truly love and care about, loves me for who I am. He not trying to change me. He didn’t causes her to come into my life. Ana has been in my life for the past four years. Ana is the one who is trying to take away what makes me happy in life. Not the one I love. She is. so for all the ones who thinks they know who trying to take all the joy and love and happiness away can just go away!!!!!! 

IF you truly care and want to see me happy take Ana away!! Not my love. Its my and her fault and no one elses! But you can’t take her away, the only way you make her leave is by me telling her to go away. And you know what it not easy. She comes and goes. and sometimes she never leaves. And sometimes I don’t want her to leave, bc thats the only thing i know, but you know what thats her talking not me.

But I do want to say thank you for all the help from the ones who know and understands whats going on, bc you really don’t understand till it happens to.. you

Same goes for love…

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2 Comments

Filed under AnA

2 responses to “Know it all’s….

  1. elsa47

    Im sorry Court. When you said someone you loved more than anyone was upset with you I did not understand who you were talking about. I love you, forgive me for upsetting you.

    Mom

  2. Your Sis

    I was not trying to be a know it all, me and momma only care about you. Why cant you see that. You are alienating us more than anything. We used to talkabout everything and anything. Where has our friendship gone? I am your sister and supposed to be your best friend. And no, me and momma cannot speak for ana, but we can speak for love. We have been through the worst parts and can see things in people before things even start going wrong. Like I said, as far as that, you have to discover for yourself. No, no one can change that for you right now but you. If you want me to go away, you need to tell me bc I am tired of trying to be there for you and you pushing me away. I am tired of you avoiding me and acting like you dont care what goes on here anymore. We used to talk for hours on the phone about nothing. And now there is nothing. You need to let me know what you want form me. I will not be here if you dont want me. But if you do then I am here. I always have been and always will be, but only on your beck and call. I am sorry if I misunderstood what you were talking about last night, but like momma, when you said the one you love the most in the world, we automatically thought of Chris. That is only us caring about you. You didnt have to leave the message like you did on my im this morning. Why dont you just talk to me. Momma isnt going to tell you how you are making her feel bc she doesnt want you to worry, but my heart is breaking Court and I think you need to know that, bc like your other problems and things you are going through, only you can change this. I feel like I am loseing my sister. I feel like i have no one to talk to about the things that only I could confide in you. So, just tell me what you want!

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