Bulimia and Ana (problems)

I have an eating disorder. I couldn’t sleep and for some reason I thought of posting this. I wish to get better, and stop. It hurts everyone that I love and care so much about. Mostly my mother and Christopher. I have stopped just for them, but they know when they aren’t with me I don’t eat and purge. When Chris gets home, I eat like crazy i binge. Its because I haven’t had anything to eat. I hate this I want to get better, but everyday, every hour, min, and second. It runs through my mind. Telling me not to, or its fatting. or it has to many cals. Or I see myself fat and ugly. Which I do see myself this way. But I am getting better. but slowing I am. But I sometimes give up. 

Everyone tells me I have to do it for myself and not for others, but thats very hard to, since sometimes I don’t want to change.   I don’t know… 

 

I am going to try and sleep

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6 Comments

Filed under AnA

6 responses to “Bulimia and Ana (problems)

  1. You really don’t need to do this to yourself. What are you afraid of? Being fat?? You need to just enjoy your life and if you feel fat or guilty for eating too much, then you need to just put that negative energy into excersize.

  2. Hi – hang in there buddy there are a lot who suffer like you do out there.

    I am a failed anorexic, a failed bulemic and a successful overeater when all is said and done. My adult wight has ranged between 54 kg my lowest and 142 kg my highest. I am on the way down now at 133kg. Unlike most people I know how high I can go and how low I can go – I am staisfied now.

    I am nearly 55 and it all began when I was about 6 years old. I was molested and after that I felt different to everyone else. I felt very lost and alone.

    By accident I found I could control my eating in ways other kids couldn’t when I won an ice cream eating competition. Thats all it took.

    I felt connected to my world through eating and I didn’t feel so alone. At least people could see I existed because of my eating – that is how I got noticed – otherwise no one noticed me and I found that harder than being noticed for my eating.

    I read your post – I may not ever meet you but I know you exist – you are not alone. So lets put that idea in your head that no one knows you exist right out of your head. I do and I care.

    After many years of struggle, a nursing career, studies in psychology and working with those who suffer like I do I have come to this conclusion. An eating disoroder is a disorder of our souls.

    This is how I see it but it is not in the text books – the anorexic is so afraid of their body they won’t allow their soul to dwell in it – the bulemic is not sure weather to be in or out of their body – and the overeaters have souls so big they just won’t fit in a normal sized body. This is probably not at all scientific but it is my take on it.

    What I do know is recovery is a team effort. You need to work with your doctor and a dietician. Not necessarily people in your own family.

    I find my family members have some control over the buttons that trigger the disordered eating so that is why I havn’t found family all that helpful. In a way I have had to help them learn to help me and they are really bad at it. The only thing for it is to forgive them for it.

    As you forgive them you will learn how to forgive yourself becuase I am guessing you are really angry with yourself over something and you might not know yet what that something is.

    I am going to tell you this but you are probably not going to like it – you have to learn how to trust other people and you are probably going to hate every minute of it. I do but I perservere because my life depends on it now.

    Eating disorders can kill you. I don’t want to die so I have to trust. Sorry to tell you asking others to help you is the way out – to do this on your own it’s just too hard. Asking for help is also really tough. You are between a rock and a hard place and the other alternative is death.

    Bulemics die suddenly and look normal – they stuff up their electrolytes and this causes heart trouble. Anorexics suffer starvation and often go into irreversable renal failure and the overeaters like me – we become diabetics and die of strokes, heart attacks and can get gangrene in our toes so they have to be amputated. We also go blind if we don’t manage our eating disorder.

    I am a diabetic now.

    There might be an overeaters anonymous group near you. Find one and go the the meetings. This is a good place to try and tell someone how it is for you. When you hear yourself you will be quite shocked at yourself but the pain is worth it. Some pains are good for you – all that shit inside you telling you how useless and hopeless you are has to be confronted and overcome.

    If you are not a church goer find a church and go – its like taking medicine but the teaching helps your soul to get stronger and eventually confront and overcome the feelings that are driving you to your disordered eating.

    It took me years and years – eventually I came to understand I wanted to destroy my abuser – when I couldn’t I tried to destroy my body. I figured if I didn’t have a body I wouldn’t be abused. That is where my thinking was disordered and my soul was deceived.

    God made the body I tried to destroy – he loves my body and my soul and he wants my body healed and whole. It makes no use telling God he is wrong – he just loves you anyway untill one day you just give in and let him have his way cause you can’t hold out any longer. I held out till I was on what I thought was my death bed. I was that stubborn.

    Here is my prayer for you.
    Thankyou God for my fellow traveller down the road of eating disorders on this post – I am not afraid of her pain or her despair because you can bring life to her broken heart. It is that life that will overcome the tough life she has now.

    I will keep you in my heart and continue to pray for you. Its all good buddy – its all good.
    Love your friend
    Dianne

  3. elsa47

    I love you,Court. I can’t wait to see you tomorow. The lady that wrote the other comment said it all very well. (thanks for writing to my daughter)

    Love Mom

  4. A note for Mom

    In Australia there is a support group for the family and friends of those who suffer ED’s because everyone is affected when someone suffers. Here we call it a family disorder because of the psychodynamics involved.

    Your daughter has the disorder – your mother love and best intentions can only encourage her to do the work she has to do. It’s not your disorder its her’s. Any effort to try and take it away from her by trying to rescue her will backfire because it feels to her like you are taking away her personal power and she is already feeling pretty powerless.

    My mum still struggles with mine and we have go through this rescuing pattern every now and again as she tries to rescue me because she loves me and she feels as powerless as I do.

    Powerlessness is a horrible feeling and leads to the spiral of feeling out of control. Then the fear grips hold and I eat to try and taste something because I am so scared of life at times I go numb. This can go on for months at a time.

    In my case my dietician helped mostly because she belived in me and believed I could do it. I needed to be policed because I just couldn’t do it on my own. I didn’t trust myself and I was so scared I would stuff up and make things worse I would slowly eat myself into a corner I couldn’t get out of and then I really was stuck.

    This stuff doesn’t make sense untill you recognise it is how she feels about herself and her feelings of powerlessness over everything that is driving the problem. When she controls her eating she gets relief because she has some mastery over a world that feels out of control and hopeless.

    This is how I feel every day and every day I pray and trust God because I can very easlily feel overwhelmed and head straight back to the fridge.

    The medical team will help identify underlying health issues that can drive certain disorders. In my case the diabetes I now suffer became a driver in the end. But there are other conditions that need to be eliminated because they are treatable medical condiditions.

    Once this is done your daughter will feel a lot safer and start to identify the real feelings that are making it so hard for her to know what choices she is making help her to live the rich and full life she so desperately wants. I would lay odds that right now she is not sure what those choices are.

    When I look in my heart my deepest desire is to be loved – I don’t always know what that looks like when it comes to me so I get confused. My second deepest desire is to be able to love so the other person knows they are. I get upset and confused when the message comes out all wrong and the people I love just don’t get it. Now this is the outcome that sends me personally straight to the fridge.

    To be honest I believe this is how it is for everyone. Each of us has a disordered way of responding we prefer when it all goes wrong – some eat or don’t eat, some drink, some take drugs some take it out on other people. Once we understand ourselves better we can be kinder on ourselves.

    For a very long time I was unkind to myself – once I understood that I was able to accept from others the love I didn’t feel I deserved. It’s been a lot easier to live this way in our very imperfect world that heaven knows – our God loves with all his heart and soul.

    Love Dianne

  5. Molly

    I completely understand your feelings. I’ve been failing at recovery from anorexia for almost three years now. It’s a constant struggle of getting a little better and then crashing. It’s rough and ugly. You are lucky, though, that you have others around you that are ready and willing to support you. That’s half the work sometimes.

  6. courtneyrevels

    Hey molly! I dont know if you check back will read this, But I want to say thanks. By doing this blog i have gotten so many sweet, helpful, loving comments and emails. Having this is the worst thing that has even happened to me. I sometimes wish i could back to the time when this all started so I could stop it before it even started, but I cant. I all i can do is to try my best to get over it. And pray.

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